


say it like you mean it (in the end, we can’t make it)

by lovemeright (fishcakes)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, Polyamory, assumptions of cheating but not really, brief mention of offscreen character death, inability to love more than one person at a time, is it really baekyeol or is it chanbaeksoo tbh, lapslock, mentions of bts members, mentions of past!krisho, mentions of sehun/xiumin/kai, side!baekyeol, so many mini ships mentioned in this because i love bringing in more love like ???, vague ot3!suchenlay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-06-01 15:23:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6525685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishcakes/pseuds/lovemeright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a heart that’s big enough for two is a heart that’s heavy to carry, and sadly, junmyeon has never been strong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	say it like you mean it (in the end, we can’t make it)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Long Distance Relationships are Hard, But We Can Pull Through This](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/189064) by dyorayaki. 



> i’m very grateful to dyorayaki for writing this fic for this challenge because long distance chen/lay set in canon omg yes and also thank you for allowing it to be remixed! thank you for the mods for holding this challenge and for being so supportive and helpful when it comes to my first ever attempt at remixing. i hope i gave justice to the general plot line of the original fic with respect to long distance relationships with my own little twist to things (universe and ship wise). i’m sorry for the possible heartache and weird tense changes, i hurt myself writing this too.
> 
> self-beta’d, so all mistakes are my own. title from bangtan’s outro: house of cards.

junmyeon’s used to being the one left behind. it's been a common enough occurrence in his life such that it leaves him feeling less and less empty as it happens over and over again. people come and go, he’s learnt to deal with it.

he's been left behind by a favourite grandmother who moved on peacefully the one night junmyeon hadn’t been able to make it to the hospital during visiting hours due to an overwhelming load of schoolwork. he’s been left behind by pet dogs who've either ran away from home or passed on from age. he's been left behind by friends who had found better people to hang out with (he knows he’s too righteous, too uptight, too boring for the likes of them). he's been left behind by sehun (who proudly declared that junmyeon was his ever since they met at back in their pre-teens) to cling onto minseok (one of his two new favorites, his forever favorites now that jongin and minseok and him formed a close knit trio). he's been left behind by yifan (the one that he thought everything might work out with, the one who made him happy, the one who he thought could be _the one_ , the one who shattered his hopes for a ‘them’ at the end of it all) who left for china upon successfully completing his university stint in korea.

and now he's being left behind (okay, maybe he wasn't being left behind, not exactly in the way the others had but still) again by jongdae who would be going on an exchange to beijing for half a year minimum. (the irony of the fact that his current boyfriend was leaving to the same place his ex had wasn't lost on him.)

there aren't any tears shed when junmyeon sends him off at the airport, not when they're surrounded by fellow course mates. not that the fact had stopped baekhyun from bawling, much to kyungsoo's embarrassment and chanyeol's delight, as he clung onto the taller male who was leaving for the same exchange as jongdae. really though, anyone could have expected a crying baekhyun at the departure hall, he's always been extremely attached to chanyeol, both literally and figuratively. junmyeon watches from his corner, one eye trained on jongdae pressing kisses onto his mother’s face and giving tight hugs to the rest of his family, reassuring them that he'll be fine, that china was just a short plane flight away.

in fact, he figures that the only reason baekhyun had eventually let go of chanyeol was probably because kyungsoo threatened bodily harm unless the crying boy “let go right this instant, I swear to god, byun baekhyun. chanyeol has to go in now and he doesn't have the money to check you in as luggage.” chanyeol snorts and pats his boyfriend on the head, murmuring a soft ‘i love you’ before waving him off into a scowling kyungsoo’s direction. junmyeon vaguely remembers seeing chanyeol asking kyungsoo to take care of baekhyun when he's gone (“please, you know how he gets when he’s upset, kyungsoo-ah.”) which is probably why baekhyun gets to burrow his face into the crook of kyungsoo's neck when the tall male disappears into the departure hall.

“aww, is kyungsoo actually allowing baekhyun to touch him?” he hears the teasing tone in jongdae’s voice, not needing to face him to know what expression he’s putting on because he knows it by heart. the corners of his lips curled up into a playful smile, eyes mischievous but still full of concern for the two boys they’re watching. after all, baekhyun was jongdae’s best friend. before junmyeon could respond, his boyfriend leans his weight onto his back, resting his chin on the elder’s shoulder. “i have to go in soon."

“i know,” junmyeon shifts, turning to face the boy he’s fallen in love with. (the boy who was leaving him soon, even if it was only for six months.) they’re closer than what would be deemed appropriate in a public setting like an airport but junmyeon finds himself not caring, not when this is the last time he’ll be seeing jongdae in the flesh for an undecided period of time. "take care of yourself, alright? drink plenty of water, remember to eat on time, don't stay up too late.”

"don't be such a mom, hyung. I already have a mom," jongdae rolls his eyes. "why can't you be like baekhyun? cry a little, you're beautiful when you cry."

junmyeon resists the urge to punch his boyfriend in the side because he knows that that's the response jongdae expects from him, instead he ignores the requests, lacing his fingers with the younger male's. "come back to me, kim jongdae."

"I always do," a quick brush of lips on his knuckles and jongdae gets ushered off to hurry into the departure hall. junmyeon is the one who's being left behind once more and he’s used to it by now. (it doesn’t mean it hurts any less though.)

∞

jongdae settles in well on his first day, or so junmyeon assumes from the messages that he receives from the younger boy. there’s only so much time his boyfriend has to send out messages before he’s swept off for orientation and actual lessons. the following days are kinder to them, allowing for long skype calls where jongdae tells him about everything that’s happened so far (baekhyun and this kid who looked so much like baekhyun belting out korean trot songs along the corridor of their dormitory despite the late hours of the night) and everyone he’s met (aka his roommates park chanyeol, kim namjoon and min yoongi, all of which are amazingly talented).

junmyeon spends most of the calls nodding and chuckling at the right times and when jongdae asks if anything interesting happened back home, he shrugs because outside of jongdae, there isn’t anything particularly interesting that happens in his life. it’s mostly just school that takes up his time, especially since it’s his final year in university, and whatever time he has left (mostly the weekends), he spends with minseok, jongin and sehun lazing around to watch movies and having dinner.

they never end their calls with ‘goodbye’, always with a ‘see you soon’. it’s a habit that formed after jongdae had mentioned how sad ‘goodbye’ had seemed after their third day. it indicated of a lack of wanting to see someone again, of unhappy endings, of no tomorrows, of no more meetings, jongdae had reasoned as he poked into his cake, the corners of his lips turned down into a frown. (“i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to ramble,” he adds after a few seconds of silence.

junmyeon shakes his head, “it’s okay, i understand. no goodbyes for us.”)

they find that it’s hard to keep to their schedule for video calls as the semester picks up. junmyeon has long hours to work on his projects while jongdae has to put in some extra time for practice on top of completing other school work which means there are either cancelled sessions or calls that last all but ten minutes before they have to hang up and focus on their tasks.

it was one of those nights where everything decided to crash together, where the two of them could only afford the ten minutes away from assignments and reports to give each other the bit of time they deserved. there wasn’t much to be said with the limited time they had apart from the reassurance that they were doing well coupled with the reminders to rest well, to eat on time, to not overwork. time passes fast when all you want is for it to go on forever and junmyeon swears their ten minutes weren’t the ten they were promised because soon enough, they were saying ‘see you soon’.

he receives a message from jongdae within the few minutes he took to brush his teeth after the video call ended. it’s short and simple yet carries the emotion across: ‘i forgot to say i love you.’

∞

it’s through the messages that junmyeon gets to know zhang yixing. jongdae mentions him a lot, he notes. it starts with their first meeting, a hilarious story that jongdae promises to tell him more about in the future but zhang yixing was a life savior. it goes on with how yixing and him shared a few classes under the music department, how yixing was highly skilled in playing both the piano and guitar, thus making him an amazing accompanist for jongdae’s additional vocal practices. the next tale is how the chinese boy had taken it upon himself to polish away the rust that had built over the years of jongdae not using the language ever since he had graduated from high school.

junmyeon starts to see yixing’s name all over their messages, sees that name more often that he sees any other names and he tells himself not to worry because yixing was a friend, a kind friend who was taking such good care of jongdae and that he should be grateful that his boyfriend had met someone as kind as zhang yixing.

he starts to notice the way jongdae talks about the chinese male, starts to see the shy smiles and bright eyes that appear when the younger male talks about zhang yixing and it plants the seed of worry into junmyeon’s mind. the idea that perhaps yixing wasn’t just a kind friend who was taking care of jongdae, the idea that there is a chance that jongdae’s found someone better, someone more than kim junmyeon, in zhang yixing, the idea that jongdae has fallen in love with someone else.

junmyeon hates himself for ever doubting the loyalty that jongdae has, for ever questioning jongdae’s faithfulness because there’s nobody he trusts more than kim jongdae.

∞

“what if jongdae’s in love with him?”

"do you think he is?"

junmyeon pauses because he doesn't know what to think. he suspects that jongdae's fallen for the boy, the first friend he's made in china. the first person who held out his hand in a foreign country to guide jongdae along, to keep jongdae company, to help jongdae feel like china could pass as home, even if it was only for six months. "i... i guess he could be...?"

“hmmm,” the elder takes in the telltale signs of a distressed kim junmyeon (chewing on his lower lip, furrowed brows, hands clasped tight in his lap) and wishes that he was better at comforting people like how jongin was. instead, he goes with an idea, a concept that he was familiar with in an attempt for get junmyeon to stop digging his nails into his skin. "you can love more than one person at the same time, you know."

it works, in away, at meeting minseok’s main goal of keeping the younger male’s hands from bleeding because now junmyeon is merely furrowing his brows more as he turns to face the elder with a hint of confusion etched on his face. minseok should know about loving more than one person at a time, he’s got two boys casually draping themselves all over him as they doze off in the late afternoon of a boring sunday. minseok’s got two boys who’ve fallen so much in love with both minseok and each other that worked out somehow. minseok’s got a heart big enough to fit both jongin and sehun and he carries it with pride. junmyeon wonders if he could say he sees the same ending for him, jongdae and the chinese boy that jongdae had met (the boy he knows so much yet so little about, the boy who makes jongdae's eyes sparkle and lips curl up into shy smiles.)

“yixing’s probably the better choice,” junmyeon pauses, verbalizing the thought that constantly lingered in his mind only made it more real than he wanted to admit to himself. “he makes jongdae laugh.”

minseok hums, nudging his best friend and offers him a gummy smile. “so do you, junmyeon-ah.”

sehun lets out a snort, glancing up at their houseguest from where his head rests across minseok's lap. “jongdae-hyung only laughs because junmyeon-hyung's jokes are lame.” he gets rewarded with a light smack on the forehead and a “if you aren't sleeping, get off my lap” and lets out soft whine before promptly goes back to faking sleep.

there’s a short bout of silence as junmyeon watches minseok run his fingers through jongin’s hair (the boy was happily curled up around his boyfriend’s leg and sleeping soundly despite sitting on the floor next to the couch), knowing that his friend was weighing his next words to him. how much of a wreck must he seem for minseok to need to take such a long moment to rearrange his thoughts into words and phrases. “jongdae might be in love with him. but he's also in love with you. trust me, he has a heart big enough for you both.”

the sad thing is that junmyeon knows his boyfriend has a heart big enough for both yixing and him. it’s himself and yixing that he’s more worried about.

∞

“I told you to pack earlier, jongdae-ah. you know you always leave it to the last day,” junmyeon shakes his head as jongdae flits in and out of camera range, going around his dorm room to pick up things he's left unpacked. jongdae was finally coming home, even if it was just for a couple of weeks over the winter break. and of course, despite having known that he would be returning to korea a month ago, the younger male had ignored the fact that he had to pack until two days before his flight.

a snort comes through his earphones, together with the sound of rummaging from jongdae's end of the line. “keep nagging and I'll keep all the yummy snacks for myself, hyung.”

 junmyeon shakes his head, not that jongdae can actually see him from how deep he is digging into his wardrobe at the moment. clearing his throat, the older male continues his previous task of reading off jongdae’s packing list. (it’s the same list he uses whenever he goes on trips and vacations and junmyeon’s more than memorized it over the time they’ve been friends and dating. after all, junmyeon’s the one who wrote it.)

packing does eventually come to an end at least an hour later (the whole time filled with whines about how troublesome it was and exclamations about how junmyeon should just fly over and help out with packing). As jongdae zips his suitcase with a loud sigh of relief, junmyeon waves the checklist in front of the camera, praising him for a job well done to which jongdae responds with a half hearted cheer.

“what would I do without you, hyung?” jongdae muses aloud while throwing himself onto his bed, jostling his laptop from where it rests on his blanket.

junmyeon chuckles. always the drama king, kim jongdae was. "die, probably." (like how I would without you, he doesn’t say, like I slowly am because I'm losing you.)

∞

the sight that greets him in the arrival hall was unexpected. unexpected in the sense that baekhyun's feet were dangling in midair as chanyeol wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, pulling him up for a tight hug, and squealing from the smaller male (whether in excitement or panic, junmyeon isn’t exactly sure). he supposes it’s sweet that his friends (boyfriend’s friends, to be more accurate) aren’t shy with their display of affection, especially since almost everyone knew that they were very much in love with each other.

the next thing he sees makes him forget about chanyeol and baekhyun, makes him forget about his worries of a failing relationship because jongdae is all he sees. jongdae is here, jongdae is back. they’ll be okay, they’ll work things out, they just have to talk about it. junmyeon feels the corners of his lips lifting into a smile as he walks towards the approaching boy, hand raised in a wave to welcome the other boy home.

the third thing he sees makes him stop, it makes him want to disappear on the spot because over the shoulder of his boyfriend is the face of a stranger (who he supposes is no real stranger, not from what he’s learnt about him through the words in the form of text messages and video calls). the third thing he sees is zhang yixing happily trailing behind a grinning kim jongdae with their fingers laced together, the latter offering him a overly enthusiastic bout of waving.

∞

it turned out that jongdae had forgotten to inform junmyeon about having invited yixing to korea in the rush of packing. when faced with a zhang yixing who mentioned that he had never set foot outside of china, jongdae who was more than happy to invite his friend (his more than a friend) back to his home to be mothered by his own mother. at least, that was the story that junmyeon heard from yixing who had apologized over and over for causing any possible inconvenience for both the kims and junmyeon. he reassures the boy that it’s fine, that he was glad to finally meet the person that jongdae has always been talking about. (jongdae later tells him that he invited yixing to korea because the chinese boy was lonely, especially when he was too far removed from his family due to wanting to pursue his dreams. junmyeon hates himself a little for having had felt angry at the boy. and he finds himself loving kim jongdae a little bit more for being so kind.)

junmyeon figures it would be easier if he could hate zhang yixing. but unfortunately for him, yixing was so easy to fall in love with. yixing appeared to be all soft smiles and dazed looks (placing him at the mercy of one oh sehun who was half in love with him already, or so minseok had teasingly declared) but under that gentleness was someone made of steel, someone who worked hard and hard and harder in anything he set himself to, someone who has the backbone and will that junmyeon lacks (trapped in a business-finance double major when he dreams of a stage and an audience and applause. he dreams of his voice reaching the masses. all he does is dream.) yixing is everything junmyeon is not and he finds himself being drawn more and more by this familiar stranger.

he expected awkward silences with the chinese male whenever jongdae leaves them on their own but yixing was comfortable. he doesn't push, doesn't probe but instead fills the quiet between them with little stories from his childhood, funny anecdotes of jongdae when they were in china (frequently pausing to select the right words, occasionally mixing up terms and expressions but junmyeon understands, junmyeon guides him. plus it was amusing to hear how jongdae had "broken up with his microwave" within the first week.

"okay, it's 'broke' not 'broken up'. and it wasn't my fault! namjoon, that roommate of mine, you know namjoon, right? he left a metal spoon inside while heating up his lunch. do people even do that?"

they let jongdae chatter on and on about his crazily talented (and weird, “but not in a bad way… i think?”) roommates, chuckling and pressing close to each other. yixing was warm, yixing was so easy to curl into, to wrap arms around to hold him steady as he tips forward a little too much from laughing to the point of possibly falling off the couch.)

∞

yixing slid right in, a perfect fit within the pair that was jongdae and junmyeon. three wasn’t a crowd, not when the third filled a gap that was never really there before, a space that was made for him by the other two. when it came to them, three was complete.

a duo turned into a trio by the end of the first week of jongdae’s return to korea, what used to be jongdae-and-junmyeon became junmyeon-jongdae-yixing, a natural occurrence due to the fact that the chinese male spent almost all his time with the two of them. not that junmyeon minded, of course, not when jongdae was happy, not when yixing was happy, not when he found himself being happier with the two of them. and that was what scared him, the fact that he was happier when they were three instead of two (spending time alone with jongdae felt a little off now), the fact that yixing had become such a significant part of his life over such a short period of time.

it scared him so much that he was falling in love with zhang yixing while loving kim jongdae, it scared him that he’s so inexplicably tangled up in the both of them. if either jongdae or yixing noticed junmyeon’s unease at how intertwined the three of them had become, they didn’t mention it.

∞

with jongdae gone for the weekend with his family, yixing had been entrusted to junmyeon over the next two days. in all honesty, he could have said no because yixing was more than capable of taking care of himself even if he was in a foreign land. he could have said no but he has never denied jongdae of anything he’s asked for, not when jongdae takes advantage of his weakness to puppy eyes and pouting lips. (maybe it was his worry that yixing might lose his way or face some difficulty that has him agreeing to let yixing stay with him for the weekend. and maybe, just maybe, it might have been yixing’s supposedly reassuring yet strained smile which ended any inner conflict he had about watching over the chinese boy.)

junmyeon’s apartment was small but big enough for one more occupant (usually jongdae who spent his weekends here with him instead of his own shared dorm room with baekhyun) and yixing was pleasantly surprised at the fact that there was an actual bedroom for him to sleep in though the hints of last minute cleaning was evident (jongdae had told him that junmyeon was a little of a slob and to “please make sure that junmyeon-hyung cleans up while you’re there!”).

there wasn’t much time to themselves on saturday, just enough for junmyeon to show him around and for him to set his things down in him room before they received visitors in the form of sehun (with minseok and jongin in tow) crashing into the apartment with loud demands for junmyeon buy him pizza because saturdays were their usual get-together days and also because minseok had been withholding junk food from him in attempts to get sehun to eat healthier.

that saturday afternoon went a little like this: they all get pizza much to sehun’s joy, especially since it was junmyeon’s treat. (it’s almost always junmyeon’s treat because he’s been so used to spoiling sehun.) minseok brandishes his movie choice of the week (ponyo) which has sehun groaning, jongin applauding and yixing claiming that he’s never watched it before. the five of them somehow made it fit on junmyeon’s sofa, though granted, it was a tight fit even with sehun draped over both minseok and jongin. the movie plays on and at the halfway mark, everyone notices that yixing falls asleep with his head resting on minseok’s shoulder despite his interest in the movie and soundtrack (“let’s not talk while watching the movie, i can’t hear.”). junmyeon takes it upon himself to grab a blanket for him seeing as he was the only one who had the freedom to move around (he finds it amazing that minseok doesn’t mind being surrounded by so many bodies at once) and lingers for a moment too long after tucking it around the sleeping male that minseok notices and raises his brows in question.

the afternoon bleeds into evening over the course of two movies, which has them piling out of the crowded apartment, and into the closest chicken and beer restaurant (as requested by jongin) for dinner. dinner with junmyeon’s three friends, yixing finds out, is not and never had been a quiet affair, especially when the night goes on and the number of beer bottles increase at their table. with someone new in their circle, sehun and jongin took it upon themselves to retell every funny tale involving junmyeon, their combined laughter and voices getting louder over the course of dinner. as the hour hand creeps closer and closer to eleven, minseok and yixing stay the only sober customers at their table while junmyeon crosses the line into tipsiness and the two younger boys (who thought it would be fun to attempt to outdrink yixing) end up slumped against each other. they decide to declare the night as over when junmyeon tips over and hits his head on the table.

with an arm wrapped around sehun’s waist and the other holding onto a slightly more sober jongin’s hand, minseok waits for yixing to successfully maneuver a semi-conscious junmyeon into position before speaking up. “take care of him, alright?”

“i will,” the chinese male offers him a dimpled smile, his arm pulling junmyeon closer to lean his weight on him. “please get home safe!”

∞

sunday morning was quiet in comparison to the night before, but then again, it was just the two of them in the apartment instead of the five from yesterday and junmyeon’s grateful for it. along with the fact that the round of drinks from last night left him unscathed and without a hangover, though he has to admit his head was hurting a little. (the memory of smacking his head on the edge of the table comes back to when he runs his fingers along the bump on his forehead.)

breakfast, unlike last night’s dinner, is a peaceful affair, a quick meal of toast and coffee that yixing had taken upon himself to prepare while junmyeon was still asleep. there wasn’t much to be said apart from the ‘thank you’ that he offers to the chinese male for taking care of him the night before (he found a glass of warm water and painkillers on his bedside table when he woke up) and for preparing breakfast which yixing responds with a “you’re welcome” before the both of them turn back to their plates.

the lull of the morning carries on even after breakfast with junmyeon taking over the dining table with books and papers for revision (term breaks are never really breaks when it comes to him) while yixing settles down on the couch with his guitar. the comfort of their silence (it’s always comfortable silences with yixing) carries on even with the sounds of strumming fills the apartment, until yixing speaks. “jongdae told me that you sing.”

junmyeon looks up from his notes, words and numbers jumbling up in his brain as he processes what yixing had said. “he did?”

the chinese male nods as he runs his hands down the strings of his guitar. “and that you have a beautiful voice.”

“not really, it’s not as nice at jongdae’s,” he shrugs, distracting himself from the dull ache that surfaces whenever someone talks about him singing by shuffling his papers back into a neat pile. “and well… i don’t really sing, not anymore. there’s just no time, you know? with all the school work and exams,” he gestures at the pile of books that sit in the middle of the table. an excuse that he tells himself repeatedly over the years of having gave up the one thing he ever dreamed of, the excuse for why he doesn’t run through the vocal practices as he did before coming to college, the excuse for no longer singing as much as he used to. (“a dream is good, junmyeon-ah, but dreams don’t feed you,” the voice of his father rings in his mind, a constant reminder.) 

“you have time now, right?” there’s the smile that junmyeon found so endearing, so beautiful (so dangerous) coupled with sincerity in yixing’s voice. “come sing with me.”

he could have said no, could have told yixing that he actually has work to do but as the other male strums the first few chords of a very familiar song (jongdae’s favourite), junmyeon’s hesitation ebbs away. the song was never meant to be a duet, much less one that wasn’t arranged beforehand between two people who hardly knew each other well enough to pull it off but they made it.

the silence lingers for a few seconds after the duet comes to an end until yixing speaks up, “i knew jongdae was right, your voice is beautiful.”

‘it’s not’, he wants to say. his voice is a little rough due to not having had water in a while, the pitch is rusty from the lack of practice. his singing was far from beautiful but yixing looks at him with such pride and amazement that junmyeon finds that it’s not that difficult to him. “thank you.”

∞

“is it fun? business and finance?”

he glances up at yixing across the dining table. dinner tonight was chinese takeout, simply because neither of them had felt like cooking. “not exactly, but it’s good for my future.”

yixing hums, chopsticks mixing up strands of noodles and sauce. “anything can be good for your future, as long as you work hard.”

“that’s– business and finance is good, it’s what my parents want me to do.”  
  
“but is it what you want to do?”

junmyeon doesn’t answer, he doesn’t have to.

yixing understands.

∞

“jongdae. you stink, go shower,” junmyeon frowns at the younger male who threw himself across the sole bed in the room. the bed that the three of them would be sharing since they had only managed to secure a single room in a pension by the winter sea. with yixing in tow, jongdae had suggested the trip to a hesitant junmyeon because honestly, who would want to go to the beach in this weather? as it turned out, kim jongdae and zhang yixing would and they wouldn’t give in until they had managed to drag kim junmyeon along.

“i don’t want to,” the younger male whines, a weakness of both yixing and junmyeon that he utilises well against the older two. “it’s too cold!”

yixing chuckles as he rummages through his backpack, taking out his toiletries and clothes. “you don’t have to if you don’t want to, it’s okay.”

“exactly! junmyeon-hyung, yixing-hyung says it’s okay!”

a staring game that ensues between the youngest and the oldest after that exclamation. it’s a one sided battle because jongdae has such a pitiful look, complete with a full on pout that junmyeon feels his resolve breaking quicker than ever.

with a loud sigh, the older male pushes himself up from his perch on the bed to shower, “it’s the last time i’m letting you go, kim jongdae,” he pauses by the chinese male who is now extremely content at his seat next to the room heater, fingers peeking out from under the too long sleeves of his sweatshirt. “and yixing, please don’t encourage him.”

yixing shrugs, offering junmyeon the smile that translates to ‘i understand you but i’ll pretend i didn’t hear you’ as he curls in upon himself to keep warm. between the both of them, it’s hard to declare who spoils the youngest in their trio more. it’s difficult not to give in to kim jongdae when he’s got them wrapped his little finger (where they willing stay, happily clinging on).

“you say that now but you know it’s never the last time,” jongdae practically sings, shimmying under the covers of their shared bed, eyes twinkling with triumph and delight. "you love me too much."

junmyeon sighs because jongdae’s right. he does love him too much and it weighs him down more than it used to.

∞

if you asked him when exactly it was that he fell in love with zhang yixing, junmyeon would probably not have an answer because the truth was that he didn’t realize when the exact moment was. he supposes it was a slow built, a strong influence from jongdae and the fact that yixing made it so easy to love him.

if you asked him if he loved kim jongdae any less after falling in love with zhang yixing, junmyeon would say ‘no’ almost immediately because that was the truth. he still loves jongdae as much as or even more than before. because to him, loving someone else didn’t mean that he had to love another any less.

if you asked him if he would give up one for the other, junmyeon would answer ‘no’. he wouldn’t give up jongdae for yixing because losing jongdae wasn’t an option for either yixing or him. he wouldn’t give yixing up for jongdae either, not when having yixing made the both of them happy.

if you asked him if he sees the three of them to be in a relationship in the long haul, junmyeon would stay silent. he wants to, he wants it so much but the heart that’s big enough for two is a heart that’s heavy to carry. and sadly, he has never been strong. he wants the three of them to become a unit, a trio, a sehun-minseok-jongin and he has faith in both yixing and jongdae. he just has none in himself.

∞

he grabs hold of the hand that jongdae extends, pulling him closer as the three of them made their way down the lane that led to his home. yixing offers him a soft smile from the other side of jongdae (a smile full of gratitude, admiration and hints of love) and junmyeon finds himself responding in kind with a smile he’s perfected over the years. the three of them had fallen into place like pieces of a puzzle, a perfect fit, an instant click and it frightens junmyeon at how easy it was. he wants to reject the fact that he loves both jongdae and yixing, wants to pull away from the two of them while he still can, wants to be strong enough to carry the heavy heart that comes from loving more than one person at a time.

junmyeon's so used to being left behind, he really is. and this time, he wishes that he could be because the weight of his heart is pressing down on him and he’s never been strong. he just wants to be left behind by the two people he loves (the two people who loves him, the two people who love each other, the two people who are strong enough to carry their heavy hearts). it might hurt but at least he’s learnt how to deal with it. he’s used to it, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comments either here or on [LJ](http://91daes.livejournal.com/11141.html) to support the author!


End file.
